


everything you wanted, everything you don't

by theystayalive



Category: Anne with an E (TV)
Genre: Anne and Gilbert, Confession, F/M, but its not exactly the reason he figures it out, gilbert finally uses his words, just an emotional rambling so enjoy it, post 3x08, the pen makes an appearance, when he figures it out boi he RUNS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-01-31 17:37:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21450115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theystayalive/pseuds/theystayalive
Summary: And finally, when everything in his life quieted for just a moment, his heart molded his million thoughts into one word: Anne.In which Gilbert finds his way home.[post 3x08]
Relationships: Gilbert Blythe & Anne Shirley, Gilbert Blythe/Anne Shirley
Comments: 11
Kudos: 309





	everything you wanted, everything you don't

**Author's Note:**

> Title is based off of the song Holding On and Letting Go by Ross Copperman
> 
> Thank you to my soul sister Ophelia (Ephemeral_joy; tumblr: lydias--stiles) for the beta reading and putting up with my emotional ramblings.
> 
> (check out our podcast for ALL the emotional Anne With An E ramblings: Call Me Cordelia on YouTube!)

Gilbert clutched the freshly obtained newspaper at his side and stood still just in front of the train door, staring into the entrance of the compartment. For some reason, he had expected it to look...different. More important, perhaps. As important as the journey he was about to take on it. But, it looked the same as it always did, everything was as ordinary as all of the other times he had boarded to go to Charlottetown. Only this time it seemed like he was going to sweat right through his freshly washed shirt.

Is this how every man felt when he was about to propose? Is this how his father had felt? Bash? No. Bash had been drunk. He thought he could really use a drink right now.

Finally, he willed his legs forward and stepped onto the fairly empty carriage (it was a weekday, only about seven others occupied the car with him). Almost immediately, he was hit with the still, peaceful atmosphere that resided in the train car and as he slid into his seat, he couldn’t help but observe his fellow passengers.

Every person sat slightly slumped in their own chair. A man towards the back had a book open in his hands, faintly smiling at an obviously humorous passage. A small girl, no older than six sat facing the aisle, her legs pulled up under her while her mother gently fixed her hair into two little braids. Another woman sat with a small notebook, her brows furrowed as she sketched something onto the pages. All seemed tired, almost lulled by the summer heat and the slight breeze drifting through the open windows.

It ruffled Gilbert’s hair and pulled at his shirt collar. Despite the unrelenting nerves biting at his conscious, he close his eyes and leaned his head back on the seat. Something about the quiet of the moment pulled at the corners of his mind, taking hold of his thoughts and slowly unraveling everything that had been jumbled up for days now.

Without thinking, he slid into his hand into his pocket and pulled out his mother’s ring, lifting it to eye level and studying it. It was small and cold and, for some reason, heavy.

Almost as heavy as the lump that had been sitting in his stomach since the night of the bonfire. He had tried as hard as he could to ignore it, to pretend that it was just nerves. It was only natural to be nervous, he was about to make one of the most important decisions of his life. One that would lead to Paris and the Sorbonne and everything he wanted.

_Everything he wanted? _

He was going to be a great doctor. Winifred and him got along well and she would make a great companion. They would live in Paris of all places while he attended the most prestigious medical school in the world. All of Gilbert’s dreams and plans for the future were laid out right before him and he had only to reach out and grab it. What more could there be?

What kept pulling his thoughts back in time to a small white school building, a grey stone farm house by a rolling field, the front porch of his teachers cottage, to his life in Avonlea? What was making him feel as if he were pulling from a tether he was not quite certain he wanted to break from?

In the midst of this inner conversation, his eyes drifted from the ring to look out the train window. They passed the flower bushes and the rolling green hills in the distance and landed on a small, yellow kite being towed by two laughing children.

Everything stilled. Gilbert’s eyes remained fixed on the kite as it dipped and soared on the wind. His mind wandered to Mary. He pictured her laughing, her eyes squeezed shut and her head tilted back. If she were here she would know exactly what to say about everything that had occurred these last few days.

Then, as clearly as if she were sitting next to him he heard it.

_“Marry for love."_

Gilbert shot out of his seat so fast he scattered the newspaper pages resting on his lap, drawing quite a few confused stares from the few people around him.

_“Only for love."_

All of the thoughts that had been momentarily pushed aside were replaced with a million different ones. They were a million furious voices, a million different memories speeding through his head at lightning speed, all twisting and molding together to form a single word.

Anne.

“Hold the door!” he yelled, surprising himself with the panic in his voice, “Hold the door!”

In a moment, he was down the aisle, throwing himself at the door which had only a few inches left before it was closed entirely.

As he burst out the door and back into the summer air, Gilbert realized that he knew exactly what Mary would tell him to do if she were here. She would tell him with a roll of her eye and with hands on her hips that he better run as fast as he could to Green Gables and not stop until he was at the front door, saying everything he should have said that night on Miss Stacy’s porch.

So, run he did.

+++

Either by luck or some providential miracle, Gilbert had only been on the road leading from the station for about two minutes before he heard Mr. Lynde’s buggy coming up the road behind him on his way back from town.

“Mr. Lynde!” Gilbert called, waving his arms frantically for him to stop.

Thomas stopped his horse immediately, concern etched into his features, “Oh, hello, Gilbert,” he looked around briefly, “Is everything alright?”

“No. I mean, yes but,” his gasps for air bordered on embarrassing, “I’m wondering if I couldn’t trouble you for a ride back to Avonlea."

The man still seemed unconvinced that everything was, in fact, alright but scooted over in his seat anyway, “Yes, of course you can, my boy, come on up."

As Gilbert climbed onto the cart, Mr. Lynde turned a quizzical eye towards him, “I could have sworn my wife was just telling me yesterday that you were about to make an important trip to Charlottetown today."

Gilbert let out a short, humorless laugh. Of course Mrs. Lynde somehow knew that.

“Yes sir, I was. I just have...I have something to take care of first."

Mr. Lynde shrugged, “Well, I’m much obliged to be of help." He clicked the horse into motion and they set off down the road, the lump in Gilbert’s stomach seeming to shrink with every step they took away from the station.

+++

He was quite sure he had never been on a slower buggy in his entire life.

About twenty minutes into the ride, Gilbert could stand it no longer. When they came to a familiar entrance to a forest he knew led to Green Gables, he threw a thank you over his shoulder and hopped right off the cart. He was off running before he even heard Mr. Lynde’s response.

What if he was too late? What if she shut the door right in his face or, worse, what if she didn’t open it at all. It didn’t matter. He had to try or live to regret it for the rest of his life.

As he ran, it was impossible for him to ignore the fact that the last time he had been on this path he had stumbled upon Billy Andrews hassling a new, pretty girl. He searched his mind for recollection of that day, trying to remember what it felt like to see her for the first time. Did he have any way of knowing then how she would change everything?

His stomach lurched as his foot caught on a root, sending him sprawling to the ground.

Sucking in a breath, he swore once and pulled his arms up underneath him. Aside from some dirt on his trousers and slightly wounded pride he was unscathed. Only a few feet away from where he had fallen, something had dislodged from his other pocket. Gilbert moved to see what it was.

It was a pen. The one he had forgotten to give back to Anne after she lent it to him at Miss Stacy’s house.

“Gilbert?” his head snapped up at the sound of the confused, familiar voice and there she was. Wide eyed, windswept pieces of hair sticking out of her braids, red cheeked, and impossibly beautiful.

“Anne.” he stood quickly, awkwardly brushing leaves and dirt from his pant knees, “Hi."

“W…” Anne’s voice came out as a hoarse whisper as her green eyes held his gaze, a mix of confusion and fear and something that Gilbert thought resembled hope. She cleared her throat and tried again, “What are you doing here?”

“I just…” Gilbert looked down blankly at the pen held firmly in his fist. After a moment's thought, he extended his hand towards her, “I forgot to give this back to you.”

His heart fell as some of the light left her eyes.

“Oh."

_Her pen?_ He resisted the urge to smack himself on the forehead. All the things he wanted to say on the train, all the words he’d practiced mumbling under his breath as he sat on the buggy with Mr. Lynde had completely flown out of his head.

This was what had happened at the fire all over again. He’d had it all mapped out then; what he would say, how he would say it, how she would respond. But, when he found himself sitting right in front of her, her face glowing and hope in his chest, nothing would come out. None of what he had planned could seem to squeeze its way out under the weight of the situation. Even then, despite his inadequate words, part of him had been so sure that she would still look him in the eyes and tell him not to marry Winnie. She would tell him to stay.

Even as he had begun to walk away, that shattered, dying, flickering sliver of hope was enough to urge him to turn around one last time. So he did, wishing more than anything in the whole world that he would see her eyes looking back into his.

But he hadn’t. All he’d seen was the dull auburn hair blaze of the back of her hair.

The memory was interrupted by a jolt of electricity shooting up his arm as Anne reached out and took the pen from him, her fingers briefly brushing his.

“Thank you,” she said, studying the odd gift in her hand with a furrowed brow.

Then, Anne looked up at him, her clear blue eyes meeting his, and he felt as if he had been cracked wide open.

Those were the same eyes he had so desperately been wishing to see before. This was it. He could not, would not pretend for a moment longer that there could ever be anyone else for him but her.

She laughed weakly, “I forgot you had this, I almost couldn’t take my Queens exam but the examiner-”

“I love you."

She sucked in a breath. Blinked.

“W-what?”

Gilbert felt his heart beat in his finger tips. “I didn’t say it before. Or I tried to, but I didn't and I realized I never actually said it. I… I was nervous and I had all of these thoughts in my head that were so loud I couldn’t really think. And I think that, in the end, I just needed it...I don’t know I just sat on the train away from everyone and it was finally just...“

“Quiet?” she was still staring at him, her mouth slightly agape, a fire blazing in her eyes.

Of course she knew what he was talking about. “Yes. Quiet. Everything sort of stilled. I was sitting there holding the ring and then I saw a kite out the window and-”

He was rambling. But, now that he had begun, he was afraid that if he were to stop, none of it would come out like the last time. 

“And I’m supposed to marry for love, Anne. Only for love,” he took a breath and paused. Something was propelling him forward now. Something was untying his tongue and clearing his mind. As he heard his own voice echoing her words, he saw Mary in his mind, smiling at him the way he knew she would if she could be here to see this now.

Gilbert looked into her face, searching, steady, sure. More sure than he had ever been before. “I don’t want Paris,” he finally said. “I don’t want the Sorbonne or Winifred or anything that means I can't be with you, too. Anne Shirley-Cuthbert, I’ve loved you since the day you broke that slate over my head,” he smiled and shook his head, “I should have known by now that being an entire ocean away will not change that."

There were tears forming in the corner of her eyes now, she was barely breathing, like she was afraid of making even the smallest bit of noise.

“And you can just say the word,” he added quickly, “just say the word, and I’ll never speak of it again. You never have to speak _to_ me again, but I need you to know. I couldn't just leave without you knowing that I...”

“I’m in love with you."

His breath caught in his throat. She had almost whispered it, he was afraid he had not correctly heard. Without thinking, he took a step towards her.

“I’m in love with you,” Anne continued and Gilbert felt his stomach spin as she took a shaky step towards him as well, “I’m sorry I wasn’t aware of it sooner, but I knew...in the quiet. But I know the Sorbonne is your most cherished desire. I don’t want you giving up such an opportunity for me".

He shook his head and felt a smile spread across his face, unable to contain it. “There are other ways to not be just a country doctor then marrying the right…” he paused, “wrong person. If I’m going to get into the Sorbonne, I want it to be because I earned it."

“Fair and square?” she was right in front of him now, so close he could make out the tiny lines that sat in the corner of her eyes as she smiled, so close she was tilting her head to meet his eyes.

Time seemed to slow down. Though he had intended to convey so much more than what had actually come out, he had meant what he had said at the fire that night. There was just one thing. There had always been one thing. There had been one thing that kept him motivated and challenged enough to continue attending school when his father was sick. One thing that had drawn him back to Avonlea after spending so long at sea trying to convince himself that it was no longer his home. One thing that could make him want to give up on everything else.

And she had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. He smiled.

“Fair and square."

When the distance closed between them, everything else seemed to fall away except for his lips on hers and the undeniable feeling that despite all of his faults, his mistakes, and his wandering, he had finally come home.


End file.
